To my esteemed readers.

Firstly, I am not too sure who or how many people are actually reading this blog. It would be cool to know, so if you feel inclined (which I hope you do) please drop a comment about what you think! Secondly, I FINALLY got to go to church today! I am writing this blog from Canada House (where all us crazy muzungu folk stay when we are in town) in Ruharo, just outside Mbarara. The power has been off for two days, so my everything went dead. Haha. It’s on now though, so just incase you care, I am writing to you with full power from my laptop. Last week was busy we had just come back from the off (I was in Kampala…I think I wrote about that…) and so I went to Nyakigera for two nights, took some more pictures of the digging of the trenches for the new water system. Then we had a party for all our “Fakazii” a.k.a. Widow’s. (That’s the Runyankore word) It was in Rubingo and was truly amazing. There were about two hundred widows there that ACTS has been serving, we fed them all and they each did dance and song presentations for us in there own groups from there different villages. You should have seen the pot of matooke, it was above my knee and as round a huge tree that you could never fit your arms around. I love the singing and dancing. I have taken as much video of it as possible. I will truly miss it. Actually I have been thinking of a lot of things that I will miss lately. Time is a strange thing over here. Most of the time it drags on through out the days, but then before you know it, 4½ months have passed! Now I really want to try and express to you the struggle that I was going through. I feel like it’s really important that you know, that I am not really anyone special, and it doesn’t take some super human to come across the world to help those in the third world.
Ok, so please be gentle on me, because I feel very vulnerable bearing my heart to whomever is out there reading this. There were a number of factors that I feel contributed to my struggle, I am still not sure of all of them, and maybe I am not meant to fully understand, and I am in no way wanting to blame other people for my “hard done by syndrome” that my stupid earthly flesh is always trying to impose on me. Except maybe I could blame Satan, somehow. So I was REALLY REALLY excited to come over here. I mean, I have had Africa in my heart for sometime, and a huge passion for photography, and god, and missions. So when all these things came together (my dreams) I was on cloud nine. There was still some doubt in me though because I have a semi fleeting personality, and have new great and grand ideas by the day, if not minute. But none the less I was superbly excited about this possible new adventure. Now, when I arrived in Africa, it was just like I dreamed. Ton’s of people, red dirt roads, dusty and or muddy depending on the weather, green rolling hills, banana trees and pineapples. It is one big photo-op. Now, if any of my team members are reading this, please don’t take any of the following personally, I could have very well been misjudging, and or not seeing things clearly. Regardless, its how I felt and I want to express that. So, firstly, I really struggled to get along with my team (not everyone), I have no idea why. I have honestly never had this hard of a time getting along with anyone. It started at Orientation in Canada too, I had not said good bye to all my friends and family and so I did not spend as much time with the team as suggested. I was still trying to tie up all these loose ends and see friends, and so that was detrimental to the “bonding” of our team. So honestly, I was getting discouraged from there. I had all this excitement about the trip and the group that I was going over with, and then it was like… no fun and games it’s character development time. Well, it wasn’t NO fun and games, I mean it wasn’t full on war between me and some group members but I’m sure both parties would agree there was something. So to make a long story short; go to another country with people you have problems getting along with and you get… blah. Then, I was confused about my posting. There were all these uncertainties, and I had to do it on my own and felt that the other interns had it easier because they were following in the footsteps of past interns and growing on that. Where as I had to make things up myself, as well as get used to being in a completely different culture, with no English church, no fellowship, and no flushing toilet, and super bland food. I was experiencing culture shock, and as I felt like I couldn’t relate to my team, or they couldn’t relate to me, I withdrew. As they told us in Canada, a classic response to culture shock. Through this, I think God was really teaching me to stop relying on other people, the church, books and basically things of this world to define my faith. Without me fully realizing, I had developed a comfy little network of earthly crutches to form my faith. BIG mistake. As we all know, earthly things fade, crumble, break, deteriorate, break, die, and basically don’t get us anywhere. So, I started to feel isolated, rejected, useless, meaningless, lost, doubtful, and depressed. This big dream I had was turning into a small nightmare. Now, through this all, I never wanted to come home, it wasn’t that bad. I still had an assurance deep within me that I am here for a reason, and I wasn’t planning on letting Satan win any big battles. He’d already won some small ones, but I knew that in the future there would be some serious taking back of what he stole (like now). So, if you are feeling alone in a foreign country, not getting along with the only people you have to sort of help you through stuff, you are getting depressed and can’t bother to talk to God anymore, getting overwhelmed with the constant poverty and need all around you, and refuse to go to the one who can help you through… well, lets just say that I can guarantee you that I never ever want to be there again. So on New Years I finally had a breakdown at like 2:30 in the morning on the UN compound in Kampala. I was waiting for a Taxi that I had called to pick me up and take me to the Hostel that I was staying at, because I had to get on a bus to get back to Mbarara at 8 in the morning. Well I had just finally had it. I was so fed up with myself, with being depressed and constantly agitated, and unmotivated, and so concerned with trying to make things work somehow. I just started crying and crying and crying, all alone, for like an hour and a half while I waited for the taxi. My sister ended up calling me, and I was crying so she was worried and then my mom grabbed the phone from her and is like “What is wrong? Tell me what’s wrong?” So I finally spilled the two months of mayhem that I had stored within me. It was good to finally get it out to someone who would maybe understand, and even if not, she’s my mom, so I knew she would at least care and help me through it, the best she could over a cell phone on opposite sides of the earth. My mom is amazing; she talked to me for the next couple days, and seriously walked me through it. Mpora, mpora (Slowly, slowly) I started to come alive again. It sucks going through the fire when you forgot your flame retardant suit. But when you come out on the other side with only a few burns and scratches and a new out look, I’d say it’s worth it. Be careful when you pray for a renewing of the mind, because it may involve slightly loosing it for a while. I am in a new place now. I have come through this battle with a few scars, but all in all, I’d say I won the best prize. I have been forced to rely on God for absolutely everything, and know that I can not expect anything from anyone but God. People are all the same, we are sinners. They will hurt you, curse you, spit on you, write you off, kick you when your down and use you for all your worth then leave you for the dogs. But God will never ever do that. I know there are nice people out there, but it’s just a fact that we all fall short of the glory of God. We all stumble, we all get angry, and we all wish we could give up sometimes, but we all have a hope too. We have a power beyond all measure, more courage than we could ever need, more strength, wisdom and love. We have the hook up with the number one dude in the universe to know. He can get you in anywhere. So I chose to go with God. I had a picture today in church during worship, and it was me, during my struggles, and I was walking along this path that was dimly lit, and falling away. Every brick that I thought was solid to take a step on would crumble beneath my feet, or would turn to quick sand or lava or just shatter to nothing. I was stumbling along trying to get a strong stance on anything, there was nothing to grab onto, no one to catch me from my fall, just some crappy path. Then he showed me his path. It was like diamond, so strong that nothing could break it. Shining like gold, it was perfectly illuminated and he was right there beside me. Never leaving, always holding my hand and guiding me to my calling. I’ve seen clearly now both sides of the spectrum.
SIDE NOTE: There have been dogs barking menacingly through out the whole typing of this message, its brutal; they are going flippin nuts right now. That’s one of the things I don’t like about town, is the nightly dog brawls that happen.
Ok, so God is amazing, and I am finally getting to know him in a way that I have yearned for, for so long. I am not ok with just Sunday, or even once a day. I want all or nothing. If the word is true, then we can live in constant communion with him. I am ready for the real thing. No more earthly schemes. It’s all about the true and living God. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite new quotes:

“We do have a choice. We don’t have to choose God.
But I’ll tell you this: There is no high like the most high”